Jog on Tim Mathieson

Who writes for the Daily Telegraph these days? The front page of their online newspaper is titled:

First Bloke Tim Mathieson Goes To Ground

Tim Mathieson

The opening paragraph reads:

USUALLY seen waving from the prime ministerial jet, former hairdresser and former first bloke Tim Mathieson cut a furtive figure yesterday while wandering the lawns of The Lodge.

Now ignoring the newsworthiness of any word from ‘hairdresser’ to ‘lodge’ this article is clearly thrown together in 17 seconds to fill a slow, no, or ‘can’t be bothered’ news day.

1 Usually seen waving from the Prime Ministerial jet 

Put his name into Google images and you see Tim:

Playing cricket, supporting Julia, opening men’s sheds, going to football games, cooking and riding huge motorcycles.This hairdresser rides hogs.

Jet photos? ZERO.

It’s both a lie and an insinuation that he leads some sort of privileged life of luxury.

2. Furtive means ‘Attempting to avoid notice typically because of guilt or a belief that discovery would lead to trouble; secretive or suggestive of guilty nervousness.’

What does he have to feel guilty about? What is he trying to avoid?  He’s looking through the trees to make eye contact with the camera.

3. Wandering implies he’s aimless lost and dithering around. We didn’t call John Howard’s famous morning activites ‘wanderings’.

For both Tim and John, you call it walking, jogging or not-quite-running.

4. Goes to Ground would suggest he is escaping, hiding, burrowing, or frantically fleeing. But again he’s jogging which means fleeing at a very mild and safe pace. 

NB: ‘Goes to ground’ can also mean he’s being hunted. Which perhaps the Telegraph is doing.

5. The remaining words of the article are not about Tim, the Lodge, hairdressing, fleeing or jets at all. Cut and paste Telegraph. Cut paste.

Also I don’t know what he’s doing below but you go Tim!

The Night the NRL was sunk

Police are searching for answers from the NRL after concerned citizens reported numerous incidents at a club on Saturday night.

3 Rabbitohs were seen drinking light beers slowly over a 4 hour period.

4 Bulldogs players were seen dancing respectfully with women only to back off when they heard ‘we’re just here for a girls night thank you’.

3 unnamed players were seen arguing with the bouncer about ‘the pro’s and con’s of taking it one game at a time’.

Jonathan Thurston was overheard at the bar to threatening to punch ‘whoever let the irreplaceable Kerry O’Brien leave 7:30 Report’.

A former player never turned up, admitted to being arrested by a moving Iranian entry in the Sydney Film Festival.

Todd Carney was seen driving away from the club at 55km/hr in a 70km/hr zone. Police suspect he must have switched the street signs.

Other players not seen at the club seemed unbelievable well rested the following day. One claimed he’d ‘gone to bed around 9:30pm after turning off Wild Things. There was just too much unnecessary female nudity’.

Police are treating all incidents as highly suspicious.

Warner ‘I didn’t punch him, I just punched his beard’

‘I didn’t punch Joe Root. I punched a wig-beard that happened to be on him.’

David Warner has finally come out to silence his critics and defend his actions after an apparent unprovoked attack on English player Joe Root. At the time Root was holding a green and gold wig to his chin – appearing to wear it as a fake beard.

I found his fake wig-beard routine very offensive. Although I accept that I might have misinterpreted his comedy routine.”

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The night’s event’s apparently took a turn when Warner thought Root’s actions were an impression of bearded South African batsman Hashim Amla:

” I thought it was offensive to him. To insinuate that his beard is green and gold is just wrong. Because it’s not. It’s a lovely dark brown.  Also why does Joe think that Amla’s beard is only held on his chin by his hands? I’m quite sure it’s a real beard that grows out of his chin and not made out of wigs.”

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While seeming to misunderstand the nature of comedy Warner continued:

“Anyway I know Amla’s beard is real because when he bats he has to use both hands and doesn’t hold them to his chin. If he did he couldn’t hold the bat. And then the ball would hit him. And then he’d get out and probably wouldn’t be in the South African team. And I know for a fact he is. Because I’ve seen him in it. Although now that I think about it, the beard could be glued onto his face, but then Joe didn’t say that in his impression.”

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To try and mend the damage, Warner offered some helpful advice to Joe Root to help avoid future misunderstandings:

“Joe’s a funny guy. I mean his surname is Root. That’s hilarious. That’s what I learned at my all boys private school. Joe should just say it over and over and over, and stay away from wig-beards.”

How Gallen and Myles can bring love back to State of Origin

In the first State of Origin last night NSW’s Paul Gallen punched Queenslander Nat Myles in the face twice. When asked after the game about it he said:

 “It’s a compliment to him’.

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Not wanting to assume a rugby league player may not understand the meaning of a relatively simple word, I’ll offer some helpful tips to giving compliments in footy.

1. Forget ‘you look nice’ make your comments specific. It shows sincerity:

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 “Do my eyes deceive me? Are those new footy boots? Lookin’ good!”

2. Stick to safe physical attributes and avoid anything that could be sexualising.  Because he might bash you if you do. 

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“I know you’re maroon to the core but Nate those eyes are rich NSW blue.”

3. Don’t just focus on the physical. Compliment their brilliant football mind..

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“Your always seem so hard in thought. Probably why you always know what tackle we’re up to. All the way up to 6.”

4. Tell it to his friends. When they pass it on to him, like say you would a football, it will appear even more sincere.

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“Late tackle?! Speaking of late, you know who’s never late for an important event? Your considerate mate Nate.”

5.Do you research. Show it’s something you’ve been thinking about for a while.

origin5“Meninga told me you cried in Les Miserable. That takes a real man.         You sir are the Jean Valjean of Origin.”

I assume that State of Origin is founded on interstate brotherly love and friendship so forget trying to win the game. These are some sure fire steps to winning some new footy chums across the border.

The hidden truth about vaccines

Here’s the truth they don’t want you to know about vaccines…

Vaccines hurt. 

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They will come at you from all angles.

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They’re created by Skeletor deep beneath Skull Mountain.

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It’s more fun to read kids books about nasty vaccines than to go get one!

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And I think I’ll take my information from this board game, Mr Doctor                      (if that is your real name)

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For the other real truths about vaccines apart from these take a look at:

http://theconversation.com/six-myths-about-vaccination-and-why-theyre-wrong-13556