Choose your free death letter!

Today NSW Parliament is voting on assisted suicide. Here are two objective letters to send your MP, depending on whether you’re for or against the issue.

If you oppose the bill

Dear MP,

I’m very worried about this assisted suicide bill. I’m also worried about aliens and people with green eyes but that’s in my following anxious letters.

Now I’ve been hit in the balls before and wanted to die, imagine if they come over to assist in my suicide every time that happened.

But enough about my balls, what about people who want to die? Shouldn’t the time of your death be left to god? If these people who want to die don’t follow the bible strictly they’re obviously not true believers and god will smite them anyway.  Then of course they’d be going to hell, which I’m all for.

And might families pressure people to end their lives? If only there were people to make sure this didn’t happen. Unfortunately the bill says they only have to talk to a social worker then a medical doctor, then another medical doctor, then a trained caring psychologist and then have a 72 hour cooling off period. I don’t see the word people in any of that!

Finally I don’t think they should die because most of them are not just ill, but also very old. If they die who will help me write grumpy complaint letters to the ABC? I’ll be all on my own!

Anxious and paranoid, (insert name).

If you support the bill

Dear MP,

WTF?? Let people die with dignity if they want to. They have to go through a social worker, two doctors, a psychologist and then a 72 hour waiting period. Safety ensured. Job done.

Pass the bill. Don’t be a dick.

Your right-minded friend, (Insert name).

Defending a Nazi in the name of comedy

A recent article from Vic Alhadeff in the Sydney Morning Herald chose to criticise the famous Seinfeld ‘Soup Nazi’ episode for trivialising Nazism:

It’s witty and well scripted, but it commits a cardinal offence: it trivialises the meaning of what a Nazi is, and in doing so degrades the language associated with those who devised, planned and perpetrated the most grotesque genocide in history.

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He drew a connection between the characters’ use of the word ‘Nazi’ in this 1995 episode and the current use of the word by shock jocks and journalists to describe everything from their political enemies (e.g. those femo-nazis) to everyday sticklers (e.g. those grammar-Nazis):

“In the context of trite Nazi references they become cheapened, the experience is diluted and the words are offensive and hurtful, particularly to those who suffered.”

Now do I have perspective here to talk about this heated topic? Probably not. Am I Jewish? Not really.

But like the Seinfeld dentist who converted to Judaism so he could make Jewish jokes, I too am adopted-Jewish. My father has remarried a Jewish woman, and as us Jews know, if your mother is Jewish then…

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Is it wrong to joke about the holocaust? Almost always. Is it wrong to use the term Nazi tritely? Sure.

But dismiss Seinfeld’s use of the word Nazi as being trite as you miss the point of comedy. Read this short scene from the famous ‘Soup Nazi’ episode:

Jerry Seinfeld: What are you gonna get?

Sheila: I’ll decide at the last minute.

Jerry Seinfeld: You better decide, sister. You’re on deck.

[Sheila kisses him]

Jerry Seinfeld: Sheila!

Soup Nazi: [pounds on the counter hard] HEY!

Jerry Seinfeld: Uh oh.

Soup Nazi: What is this? You’re kissing in my line? NOBODY KISSES IN MY LINE!

Sheila: I can kiss anywhere I want to.

Soup Nazi: You just cost yourself a soup!

Sheila: HOW DARE YOU! C’mon Jerry, we’re leaving.

[leaves the soup kitchen, but Jerry stays. Sheila comes back in]

Sheila: Jerry?

Jerry Seinfeld: Do I know you?

Jerry pretends not to know his friend in the face of appeasing a ‘Nazi’. The soup queue in the episode is not a scene where one person is an annoying pedant-like Nazi. It’s a comedic take on the ‘blind-eye’ behaviour of Germans in the 1940’s’. 18 years after the episode aired, and 70 years since World War II it’s still relevant.

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Oh and another point.

It’s funny. It just is. The fact that Vic Alhadeff can reference something that was aired 18 years ago and we all know what he’s talking about proves it resonated. It was funny. It was funny and it is still funny.

Forget everything else I said, that should be enough of defense.

Golf declared dead

It’s been reported everywhere that the feud (that’s right a mammoth battle of family generations living in angry medieval times. Unless I’m  mixing up the meanings of the word) between Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia has reached super new epicness.

It’s claimed that Woods was trying to create noise in the crowd while Garcia was taking a swing, when as we all know expressing any kind of interest when watching golf is both illegal and in fact impossible.

This feud has killed golf forever. Why? Because it’s the dullest feud in the long proud history of feuds. Take a look:

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Garcia ““He’s not my favourite guy to play with. He’s not the nicest guy on tour.” 

Oh no what will Tiger say?

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Woods “It’s not real surprising that he’s complaining about something.”           

Hit’s Garcia right where it hurts, in the sooky pants.

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Garcia “At least I’m true to myself. I know what I’m doing. He can do whatever he wants.” 

Maybe that’s go home and cry into his bed made of money?

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Woods “We didn’t do a lot of talking.

Probably because you’re both unbelievably dull.

Does anyone remember when this guy (John Daley) was the face of golf?

Barclays Scottish Open - First Round

He was amazing. He was outstanding. He was special. And I have no idea if he was any good at golf, and you know what kids, it doesn’t matter.

After a long battle with finding any reason to go on, golf is dead. Let’s hope that not too many people fell into a coma while watching it die.

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Check out how not angry golf is with the Top 10 Angriest moments in Golf.

It’s really not very angry.