New Facebook rules for new parents

You’ve just had a baby and after 8 years you’ve just realised that Facebook is a way to show it off. Unfortunately due to new rules around what is in the public interest (i.e. interesting) you can’t do whatever you like.

From it’s birth, here’s what you’re allowed to post on Facebook:


This human being pushed another human being out of its being – that’s god damn interesting. Well done. Even well done to the third human being for hanging around for so long at the hospital and not going for a beer even once.

STATUS: Oh my holy lord Jesus Christ and Buddha. Facebook joy.


You’ve posted a photo of this new human being in the world. I’ve never met them, they could be interesting. It’s a good post. Particularly because they’re sleeping a little like a dog there. Very Facebook worthy.

STATUS: I’m delighted with this bundle of joy on my wall.


Ok this baby is expressing new stuff, never seen that from them. If it’s the same baby as before it’s now turned African American. Overall still kind of interesting.

STATUS: Go on, post that baby stuff.


Your baby is now mixing it up on my wall. It’s referencing the evil hamster meme or ‘What you talking about Willis‘. I get the reference. Cool.

STATUS: Starting to jump the Shark, but still good ol’ baby.

Mother feeding baby

Um, you’re just showing me a photo of your baby eating. What? I seriously do that every day. Not impressed. I’m sharing this photo with people but I’ve added WTF.

STATUS: Because of previous entries, you get a pass.


What you’ve already posted that!! You think I don’t remember?? You can’t pull out babies classic posts from a 2 weeks ago and think I won’t notice. Shame!

STATUS: Have a new baby already. Not Facebook worthy.


No. You can’t stick that baby I once shared on Facebook in a contrived scene. It makes me look bad. More importantly how much do you really care for this baby???

FACEBOOK: No one puts baby in a tub. I’m calling Facebook.


I’m not even the bored one anymore. You’re baby doesn’t care for you either. You’re not trying, you’re just saying ‘look! I still have a baby!’ Other parents used to think you were competition for attention, but you’re no threat anymore.

STATUS: You’ve lost all Facebook, internet and real world cred.


Now you hired a photographer to show how boring you are?? This child needs real love, and I need real entertainment. Please get a more loving, less Facebook focused set of parents to adopt this poor child.

STATUS: I called Facebook. They’re calling a hitman.


Are you noticing people defriend you?! This child will be given a new life and a new name so people don’t recall how boring and self-absorbed their old parents were.

STATUS: Facebook hitman dispatched. Good luck with your new family baby.

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